Clinton telling the story of how he persuaded Kim Jong Il to let the photojournalists go free- “And I looked Kim Jong Il in the face and said ‘Listen you little freak! You need to straighten up! What you are doing is not right and you know it! I am not going to tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself. But you know that you should be ashamed Kim. Detaining those innocent young Americans like you have done. You should be ashamed Kim, now straighten up… And for your trouble I am going to leave a little something in this envelope  on the table for you. Let’s just call it a financial instrument with a lot of zeros. I’ll tell the Misses you said hello. I have to go now. All I really need to hear from you is that you’ll set them free.’ And he nodded yes, they took some pictures and I scidaddled.”

Obama- “Palin just resigned as Governor of Alaska. I am sorry but I cannot help but laugh.”

Palin to Todd after she resigned- “I cannot believe you made me resign. I know I can make millions giving speeches and writing books/dictating, but I kind of wanted to do it on my own schedule.”

Mousavi- “Iran needs an Attaturk. Iran needs an Attaturk to separate church and state and lead Iran forward. Attaturk was kind of the George Washington of Turkey. Maybe I can be the George Washington of Iran. Quick, somebody go get me a cherry tree, an ax, and about a dozen photographers.”

Joe Jackson to his lawyer- “What is the legal limit of how long you have before you have to bury a body in California? I say we max it out with shows. Michael’s open casket and his music playing in venues all over the country. We’ll make millions. Cause after he is buried and in the ground, who do I have? Which son? Tito? Yea sure.”

Karl Malden’s last words- “Marlon? Is that you?”

Michael Jackson ordering his last meal- “Give me some pasta with some shrimp and parm, and a salad, and oh yea some extra diprivan and a straw.”

Bernie Madoff in prison-“What I wouldn’t give for a big dose of diprivan. I’d give a condo. If I still had one.”

Lakers coach Phil Jackson- “Yes I am coming back and make another run. The doctor said it is ok. And what am I gonna do huh? What  else can I do? I’m a coach. That’s what I do. How am I not gonna do what I do when it is what I do? Huh? Win more championships than any other NBA coach. That’s what I do! Take that Red Auerbach!”

Joe Biden to Mrs Biden- “Can you believe that Sarah Palin killed Michael Jackson with an overdose of diprivan? Did I hear that right?”

Thomas Jefferson- “Ben Franklin is not going to tell me how to write this Declaration of Independence. How can I be told how to write a document on Independence?”

“You know I really don’t care what other people think. If and when I may or may not smoke a cigarette, I think filterless is the purist’s way to go. Of course I am just saying. If and when I may or may not smoke it will be more heavily at Camp David that I have yet to check out fully.”-President Obama

“Anyone have a peppermint? And can someone light a scented candle? This cave stinks. You guys need to check your sandals for animal droppings before you come in my cave. You are dragging that stuff in my cave. And this is my cave dammit. I want it clean. How can I defeat the United States without a clean cave? Huh?”-Osama Bin Laden last week.

Queen Elizabeth- “Michael Jackson died today. I will miss him. Today I will do the moonwalk in honor of Michael.”

“Three weeks without a cigarette and then Hillary breaks her elbow. At the White House on top of that. It could make me look bad. Why couldn’t it of happened at her home in NY, maybe with Bill around. Can someone tell the FBI to see to that? Next time she may or may not break her elbow that Bill is around and it is not at the White House. Thank you.”- President Obama.

“No baby I am coming to Buenes Aires and you have to meet me there. Are you going to let Mr Captain be stranded at The Buenes Aires airport. You have to come pick me up. I told them I am going  hiking. It’s not a problem, they will never find out. Please tell me you’ll meet Mr Captain at the airport. Mr Captain misses you. Can you wear the Gamecock dress I gave you?”-SC Governor Sanford on the phone with his Argentinean friend.

Ayatollah Khamenei talking to his council-“Boys we have to stop these events going on with the rioting and green patches and stuff. Where did these women that are marching get these ideas? Are we, the govt, not sensitive to their needs? Are not the men in their life not sensitive to their needs? It is really the fault of the great satan- the United States. But I am tired of blaming them and Israel for everything. I want to change it up a bit this time. This time, we blame Great Britain.”

Michael Jackson’s last words-  “Elvis? Is that you?”

Ahmandinejad-“Why were the election votes counted within 2 hours of the polls closing? Why, because Iranians are very fast counters. That is why! See like right now I have already counted 1192 ways that you have insulted me with your tone. Because I am that fast. Quite frankly I thought 2 hours was kind of slow.”

President Obama- “I went 2 weeks without a cigarette and this whole Iran vote thing happened!”

Colin Powell- “I think that peace is breaking out in the middle east. It’s just how fast. Personally, I think we should lower a couple of dead extra-terrestrial bodies into one of the ayatollah’s meetings and that will straighten them up.”

Mir Hossein Mousavi- “It was rigged. The vote count was rigged and they know it. But I am going to help create a peaceful revolution. The first in Iranian history. Peace will win. Then when we takeover we’ll hang by the neck all of the current leaders. It’s really very simple how peace will make us win.”

Nick Saban- “I told them about this whole textbook thing. That it would blowup on us. I have notes on when I told them. I said this whole textbook thing is gonna blowup on you. And what is going to happen is I’ll win the national championship and get a better deal some where else and they can deal with the whole textbook thing. That’s how I roll. I had nothing to do with the textbook thing.”

Hillary Clinton when she broke her elbow- “Son of a biscuit, son of a biscuit, Ouch, wow, ouch, oh that hurts, ouch, yes that hurts bad, wait, I think I can pop this baby back in place, hold on,…ouch! No I can’t! ouch! , oh wow ow ow ,  oh that hurts and that did not pop my elbow back into place. I got no where with that idea. I just made it worse. I need to make a note on that, but I broke the elbow on my writing arm. Can someone make a note of that for me! Don’t try to pop my own elbow back into place ever, ever, ever again. Oh this hurts!!!!!!!”

Sotomayor- “I fractured my ankle trying to kick destiny in the pants, like a wise Latina.”

Powell- “Cheney is not charge of saying who is a republican or not. I would think my position on my party loyalty is in my heart. Cheney can’t get in my heart. He tried one time because he sold his heart and soul to Satan back in the Reagan Administration. He Sold it to Satan for a 10 year pay out. What an idiot. Am I off point?

Laker’s Coach Phil Jackson- “I hate playing in Orlando! It’s a big theme park of a city. People are fake. It’s transient. Well to be fair so is LA. But this whole Gulf of mexico over there and the Atlantic is over there is disconcerting. It’s like being in the Baja. I get turned around easy.”

Kim Jong Il’s son- “Dad, I don’t want to be the leader of North Korea one day. I want to be a dentist! And why do they say you look like an ugly controlling Grandmother?”

Mrs Bill Gates to Bill- “Are you going to sleep all day. I need some help around here. I am not your maid. Ok you practically invented the computer and we are multi billionaires, but I need you to help clean up this place!”

President Karzi to his wife- “Ok, when we go back to the United States I will take you to Wright Patterson air base so you can see the dead alien bodies. It’s really no big deal. They will come to life and wink at you sometime. They say it is good luck.”

Ahmadinejad-“In my heart I wanted to be a dancer. But my father would have nothing of it. One time I had the album Saturday Night Fever playing on my stereo I smuggled in from Switzerland, and my father walked in. He broke the album over my head. Of course My dreams of dancing were broken with the album.”

Netenyahu- “Obama wants to upset the apple cart. We cannot let him upset the apple cart. If the apple cart is upset, we’ll have apples everywhere. And Obama will not help in cleaning up the apples the way we think he should. These are things we discussed in the cabinet meeting.”

Sarkozy- “I’d probably get more work done if my wife wasn’t as hot as she is. Then again I am French. Sometimes I work while having sex with my hot wife. French people can do that. Dictate letters, plan, strategize, all while enjoying the fruit so to speak. We French are indeed special.”

Sotomayor- “Newt Gingrich says I am rascist. That’s hilarious! That’s like saying Hitler was benevolent.”

Father Cutie-“What a coincidence that my girlfriend’s name is Mary Magdalene Smith.”

President Obama-“After this whole economy/north korea situation, I would give an ambassadorship to anybody who brought me a filterless Marlboro right now. I would.”

Warren Buffet-“I am cashing in and starting that little sunglass shop on the beach in Lauderdale that I have always wanted.”

Kim Jong Il of N Korea-“Where is my comfort brigade?! I need My Comfort Brigade now!!! Bring them to me now!!!!….. Oh, and by the way, what progress have we made on developing nuclear missiles?”

President Obama to Michelle- “I’ll take you on Air Force One to see the dead Extra Terrestrial bodies in Dayton, just like Ike, if I can have a Winston.”

Newt Gingrich-“Sometimes I think to myself, you know Newt, you are just a big fat greedy slug! Jabba the hut-like. That’s what I think sometimes. Is that wrong?”

Al Gore-“Being VP was great, but being in movies was even more fun!”

Kobe-“I will play in the Italian league one day. You watch. When my days are up here I am going to Italy to light it up. Now they will be getting an Old Kobe, but nonetheless I will light up the Italian League one day. …and Shaq will be fat and in a recliner! You watch!”

Lebron after the loss to the Magic-“I am going to still do the throw chalk in the air thing next season.”

Lane Kiffin to the press-“Listen, all of my offending Meyer and Spurrier and Saban sell tickets, do they not? I’ve got a big venue to fill. 106,000 seats. I need the press. Okay, I have a practice now. Bye!”

Houston Nutt-“Who knew that moving over one state east, my life would improve tremendously.”

President Obama-“You know I am really tired of arguing with Cheney on whether Torture or “enhanced interrogation” is right. It’s not necessary to get the information we need to act on by torturing. We can show terrorist prisoners a different way. Not torturing will serve us all better. Listen, Cheney shot a friend of his in the face. He had 5 deferments during the Vietnam War. Why are we talking about this? Next topic, please.”

Vice President Biden to President Obama-“I think the President should nominate Jon Bon Jovi for Supreme Court Judge. Talk about shaking up the court, huh!… On a Steel Horse I Ride!”

Palin-“I think Alaska should declare itself an independent nation, then we take Canada, and then we rule!”

Colin Powell on Face the Nation- “Listen, Cheney is just being Cheney. He’s persistent. How else can you count for 5 deferments during Nam. I’ll tell you this too. Don’t get around him when he is even looking at a gun. I told that lawyer he shot in the face, the same thing. He didn’t listen to me.”

President Karzai talking to his neighbor- “You know the thing I like most about being the president of Afghanistan is that I get to wear some really cool hats! You like hats?”

David Souter last week-“Quite frankly, I am just sick of black robes and decisions.”

President Obama- “Newt Gingrich wants Sotomayor to withdraw her name for Supreme Court Judge? What a shocker!”

President Eisenhower to Mrs. Eisenhower-“What do you say we fly out to Wright Patterson air force base, look at the dead Extra-Terrestrial bodies, then I’ll take you to dinner.” 

“Cheney knows I can take him. I am not worried.” Colin Powell last week.

“I could solve this whole financial crisis with a half of a Marlboro Light. “ –President Obama.

The First Lady to President Obama- “So you are telling me that the Marlboro lighter in your coat pocket was a gift?”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger- “To raise money for the state we plan on selling San Quenton island. If you are a producer who makes a lot of prison movies, this is a prime opportunity!”

Prince William- “Sure I might be King one day, but today I have one kickass hangover. Thanks Jack Daniels!”

“Oh! Nice,.. Honey! A pack of nicorette gum! What a great gift!” President Obama to the First Lady.

Mohammed Ahmandinajad- “I cannot wait to go back to New York! Central Park on a pretty day is just indescribable!”

Nancy Pelosi after the Leon Panetta/CIA incident- “I just need to learn how to shut my mouth.”

“If I get this swine flu, once I am over it, I am smoking a whole pack of Winstons!- President Obama.

“I had this dream I was sleeping on a fence, I fell off and all these Democrats were helping me. So with that I am switching parties.”- Arlen Specter.

“Give and it comes back around 10 fold is a bunch of hog wash! I can agree with Taking and it comes back 3 fold, maybe.”-Hitler

“Barack! I see a cigarette butt! Get over here! I am in the Millard Fillmore room!” Michelle Obama.

“I feel so old today I am glad I am not president….Where are we today?” McCain last week.

Kennedy pointing- “Hey, who is that guy in the grassy knoll?”

Pol Pot’s Obituary- “Pol Pot is survived by his brothers Metal Pot, Silver Pot, Gray Pot, Microwavable Pot, and his married sister now living in Taiwan- Chicken Pot Pie.”

“This situation could really call for a Marlboro.” President Obama in his first week.

“If I find one more cigarette lighter hidden around the white house!” – First Lady Michelle Obama

“It’s just one bucket of water they poured over their heads. I used to do that to my brothers when they were sleeping. Was that waterboarding? –Joe Biden.

Bush the day before the 2004 election-“Hey it’s a win-win situation for me. If I win I am a two time president. If Kerry squeaks it out thru conniving lawyers and spin, I get to go to Crawford and start that veggie garden I have always wanted.”

Kerry the day before the election-“If I lose I am blaming John Edwards, the DNC, Gore, Clinton, the Viet Cong, North Korea, and French’s Mustard.”

Russian Proverb-“When hungry, cold and out of vodka, revolt!”

General George Patton going over his to do list-“Let me see. March 3rd Army 110 miles, Destroy German army, Then meditation and aroma therapy til sun up.”

Pocahontas’ father- “These foreigners won’t make it here.”

“If Lincoln were alive today he would switch parties just like Arlen Specter!” –President Obama.

“Where are the Navy Seal Snipers when you need them”-Cheney when he heard Arlen Specter changed to the Democratic party.